since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
