you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
