If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
this boner is exhausting
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
