apparently the secret to your success is patron
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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