I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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