I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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