it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
