I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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