Welp...herpes.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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