I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
