I skipped work to stalk him.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
