so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
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Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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