He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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