Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
