you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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