I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
