everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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