i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
