I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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