I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
