I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
