I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
