I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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