Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
