I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
