I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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