Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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