I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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