I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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