Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
