Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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