The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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