I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
