Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
