or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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