I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
