Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish I only lived at night.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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