If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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