i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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