I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
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Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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