Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
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I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
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Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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