batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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