our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
