you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
