if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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