I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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