I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
