True but thats because hes a fetus.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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