I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Randomize
