I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
