I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The uberlube is also flammable
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
