then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
