I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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