I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
