So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
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