I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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