dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
