he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
