I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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