Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
