Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
