i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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